100 Ways to Kill a Doctor
by JustMyLuckiness
Summary: Leonard's had one too many second chances when word of his infidelity on the North Sea voyage reaches Sheldon and Penny. During their discussions about what to do, they discovered a new closeness and Sheldon comes to similar realizations about Amy. Together, our heroes decide on the most appropriate punishments for their erstwhile significant others' sins.


**A/N: I am working on the next chapter of The Big Break Hypothesis, I promise, but when I saw this holiday challenge, I couldn't pass it up.**

 **Naturally I claim no ownership of anything you might recognize. No profits are made off my little story. All errors are my own. Any resemblance to any real people, places, or events is entirely coincidental. Yadda, yadda, yadda.**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 **100 Ways to Kill a Doctor**

 **RULES:**

 **1\. Sheldon/Penny - They can be platonic, romantic, smutty, Super Heroes/Villains, etc.**

 **2\. Leonard/Amy's death MAY occur anytime from the Pilot thru Season 9.**

 **3\. The death must be completed in a single chapter, although you are welcome to contribute as many different forms of death as you like as long as they are a chapter each.**

 **4\. The story must be no more than 1,500 words long.**

 **5\. Deadline is October 31, 2015.**

* * *

 **Revenge Is a Dish Best Served With Barbecue Sauce  
**

* * *

"Are you still sure this is a good idea?"

"Penny, Penny, Penny," came the condescending reply that was somehow endearing at the same time, "All of my ideas are good."

Off her snort, he continued. "Besides, we've talked about this _ad nauseum_ ever since the intimacy experiment. We both know what he's done to me. I've dealt with it and managed to salvage my career."

"It's what he's done to me," Penny agreed with a nod.

"When you came to me, sobbing so hard you were choking, you said that Leonard had not only kissed another woman on the North Sea expedition but shown a nude scene of you to everyone on the ship. It hurt me as much as it did you. I didn't understand it until we did our experiment, but when I realized that you and I have been best friends for so many years, it all made sense," the usually calm blue in Sheldon's eyes had started to flare and spark as he explained.

"That's pretty much how I felt when you told me what happened to your career after the Arctic thing," she confessed, "and ever since then…"

"We've been even closer," Sheldon finished.

With a small smile, Penny gave him another nod. "Exactly."

"Make the call, Penny," he urged.

She narrowed her eyes at him in a gesture that was only partly joking. "Only if you call Amy when I'm done. She needs this as much as the rat bastard does. You remember how she made Bernadette and Howard's wedding all about herself, not to mention the times she tried to guilt you into giving up your comic books and video games, trick you into sex or how she almost took away your confidence in yourself."

Meeting her gaze, Sheldon simply nodded. "Agreed."

* * *

"Penny?" Leonard called, trying to get his bearings in a room that felt much smaller than it really was, given that there wasn't a single light. "I know you said you wanted to go on a date at the zoo as a way to reconnect over our relationship, but I can't help but think that inside one of the exhibits is just a little weird," he trailed off, looking around the small, darkened enclosure that stank of fur, sweat, and just other odors that screamed animal.

"Oh, I know exactly what I'm doing, Leonard," she responded from immediately behind him.

He never saw her fist flying to his face. Leonard was unconscious before his limp body hit the floor.

* * *

Pain.

Leonard knew only pain that radiated down from the back of his skull through his neck and to his arms and legs. He tried to bring his hands to his face to rub some of the pain away, but his hands and feet refused to obey his commands. Moving his fingers to release whatever bonds kept him in place only told Leonard that his hands were covered with a thick, semi-fluid substance.

"Wha – what's going on?" he tried to ask, but even to his ears his words sounded slurred.

"Hi, Leonard!" a voice far too perky to be any other than Penny greeted, but something sounded…wrong.

"Why am I tied down and…sticky?" he pushed, trying to gain his bearings.

Another voice, much closer this time, answered his question, telling him all too much about what was going on. "I'll handle that one, Dr. Hofstadter. You see, your latest betrayal of Penny while you were away got us talking about all the times you've wronged us for your own gain. Once we started talking, we realized how much we had in common, besides your pernicious influence on our lives, that is."

"Sheldon?!" Leonard yelled, immediately regretting the effort as he fell back with a groan.

A satisfied chuckle confirmed it. "Exactly. You and the other two Stooges always used to joke that I was one accident away from being a super-villain," he leaned over and looked directly in Leonard's face, "Consider that status met. Penny?"

Leonard's eyes seared in pain as lights all over the room illuminated at once. When he was able to look around, confusion coloring his expression as he realized he was inside an animal's habitat in a zoo, strapped down to a makeshift table. Sheldon stood over him, holding a can opener that looked oddly familiar…

"Sheldon? What the fuck are you doing with that can opener?" Leonard asked in a voice approaching 'dog-whistle' levels of pitch.

"Just a little prank, buddy," Sheldon responded with a manic gleam in his eye, "No big deal, right?"

Leonard could only watch in horror as his roommate used the can opener to slice a gash directly across his stomach. For the first time in his life, he didn't faint at the sight of his own blood. Terror kept him conscious through the whole ordeal.

When he was satisfied with the laceration, Sheldon nodded and cast his gaze around the rest of Leonard. The shorter man noticed for the first time that the sticky feeling he'd noted on his hands was a coating of barbeque sauce covering his entire body. "Sheldon?" he asked again, in a weaker voice as his brain started to connect the dots.

Without a reply, Sheldon turned and vanished behind a closed door. Leonard was left to stew in his fear for a few brief moments before the other physicist's voice came over the same loudspeaker he must have heard Penny using. "I wish I could say it's been fun, Leonard old buddy, but looking back over our relationship has shown me how selfish you really were. Consider this your just desserts. Or more properly, _their_ just desserts."

When Sheldon emphasized the 'their', Leonard heard a slow grating noise echoing around the small chamber. Pure terror paralyzed him as two huge, lumbering polar bears moved out of the now-open doorway. They sniffed the air, catching the scent of blood and barbecue sauce.

Leonard's screams eventually died out beneath the sound of large carnivores doing what large carnivores have evolved to do.

Sheldon turned from the sight of his former roommate turned bear kibble and looked at the blonde woman standing with him. "No regrets?" he asked, needing the reassurance.

"None at all, sweetie," she answered, bestowing on him a glittering smile that calmed his nerves and sent his pulse racing. "You'll text Amy now, arranging for her to ignore her damn monkeys for one night and get ready for your arrival by telling her you're ready for coitus?"

"And then you'll be ready with the banana baby food. The monkeys should be in such a frenzy they'll do to her exactly what those bears just did to Leonard," he confirmed with a nod before snorting a laugh.

"What is it?" Penny asked, tracing her fingers up and down his forearm.

Sheldon grinned at her touch. "I just realized that I won't even be lying. I'm absolutely ready for coitus," he reached around Penny and pulled her to him, squeezing her ass in the process and swallowing her surprised squeak with a kiss, "just not with her."

Penny moaned her desire into his kiss before pushing back. "Send the damn text, Sheldon," she growled.

* * *

 **A/N: I couldn't resist the poetic justice of polar bears :) Hope you enjoyed!  
**


End file.
